Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
