Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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