she looked like the before picture.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
