he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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