Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize