Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
