I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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