How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
