Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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