It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
