I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
