got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
