I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize