I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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