I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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