I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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