Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
