you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
