Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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