My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
