Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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