my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
