I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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