The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
