Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
