tell your sister to shave her snatch
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
