so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
