Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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