chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
