I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
