I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
