I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
