But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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