I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
