I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
