im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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