I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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