My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you traded sex for a burrito?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
vagina is talking i cant
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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