does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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