did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
