I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize