Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
