That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
