I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
