i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize