Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
