He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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