Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
