Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
