He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
