I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
