Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This beer is not sobering me up at all
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
