woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
