Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
