when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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