It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize