At least make sure they are 18
Why
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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