i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
