Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize