Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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