sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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