life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
