His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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