mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
