I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
